Websites

Now, I’ve never been one to turn down a drink as most of you will know. So when my mate George (Publican) invited me around to his place with the promise of a very decent Australian Merlot, I felt duty bound to oblige.

 After two bottles had slipped down very nicely, George announced that he’d finally lashed out on a new PC and would I give him an opinion. “No problem” says I, and to be fair it was a fairly decent set up with a 26” monitor which was essential as George’s glasses looked like the bottom of two milk bottles. I mean, he certainly weren’t going to be top of the leader boards on Call of Duty, but it was OK.

“My website doesn’t seem to be doing a lot though” he said and I quickly realised what had been the real reason for the invite. “Ok, let’s have a look” I said. George’s fingers didn’t exactly dance over the keyboard; they more or less stumbled, fell over and died. We eventually got the site displayed though, and initially, I thought someone had hit me in the face with a hammer! The home page was bright orange with pea green menus and an image of a beer bottle, or bottel, as the web designer had spelt it.

“That’s……err, different” I offered as I fought the desire to regurgitate the Merlot on to the shag pile. “Who did that for you”. “Young Ryan down the road, he did it in between cramming for his A levels”. He replied. “Only cost me £400”. This time the shag pile got a liberal dousing of red wine. “George” I screamed, “it’s a one page site, people will think their monitor has blown up when it displays, it tells visitors nothing other than the fact you need to go to Specsavers, and young Ryan obviously uses your product as it’s affected his spelling ability.” I paused for breath. “On top of that, it’s not SEO optimised, it’s not constructed correctly and more importantly, it will do more harm for your business than good”

George doesn’t talk to me anymore. He doesn’t need to. He sends me six bottles of Merlot a month, free of charge. Why? Well, I got him a totally redesigned website, properly optimised and he can add information about his Guest Beers himself, and all for the princely sum of £9.99 per month.

And what about Ryan, I hear you ask, George persuaded him to hand clean his shag pile carpet which appeared to have a large red wine stain. He managed to do it between visits to the acne clinic. Think I’ll have a drink.

Frans LaRoc

PS Don't make George's mistake, visit www.dp-group.co.uk now.

Grumpy Old Man

I must be getting old! In fact, events over the last couple of years have confirmed that I am officially a “Grumpy Old Man”. Whereas I used to have the patience of a Saint, I now have problems holding back in situations which, when I was younger, would not have bothered me. 

Take, for instance, the situation that most of us drivers have been in, where we are trolling down the road in our family hatchback and some Hoody/OAP/Punk Rocker or one of those bloody buggy drivers decide to cross the road right in front of you even after looking you straight in the eye as if to say “Right pal, it’s up to you to stop in time”. I get fed up with standing Mrs LaRoc’s car on its eyelashes as my foot, along with the brake pedal disappears through the bulkhead. When I was younger I would take it in my stride, happily waving to the offender as he avoids meeting his maker by centimetres. Now, I pull up and let loose with a verbal torrent that would make Gordon Ramsay blush

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It is a sign of the times, I admit, that age does this to a person. I have now turned this to my advantage and made it my new hobby. I like nothing better than walking into well-known computer stores and having a bit of fun with the first spotty oik who approaches me like an exocet whilst one foot is still outside. “Can I help you at all?” is the opening gambit from said oik. It is at this stage that my wife squeezes my hand to the point of cutting off circulation and gives me the “daggers” look. 

Ignoring my blue fingers, I look this….err, Lad straight in the eye and in my best geeky voice I ask, “Could you possibly show me some high end computer systems”? Right now, this lad’s face has lit up like Chernobyl, as his fingers start to work out his commission. Anyway, long story short, we head over to the PC’s and he starts his sales pitch. It’s usually half way through this that his supervisor comes along and interrupts, “Everything all right here Sir?” “Yes fine” I usually answer, “Now bugger off!” I guarantee that this will bring the largest of grins to the young sales assistant’s face and that he will instantly go into Super Helpful Mode.

The trouble is, very few of these sales assistants know what they are talking about. Take the following conversation held with the same assistant.

“So, how big is the hard drive?”

“This one’s 1000 megahertz”

“You mean Gigabite”

“No, 1000 megahertz”

“Ok” I say, smelling blood, “Is it Sata?”

“No, it’s a Toshiba”.

At this stage, it’s very hard not to leave a pool of the amber liquid on his nice clean floor as I bite my lip and try not to laugh.

“This one comes complete with a web package so that you can build your own website. And it’s free”.

“Oh, right” says I. “What software does it provide for this?”

“Err…I think it’s Excel” he replies. I am now howling like a coyote with tears streaming down my face. This poor lad is now looking at me like I’m in the middle of an epileptic fit. “And”, he continues “It provides free SEO for your website when you’ve built it”

Life is so unfair at times, but as it was he who brought it up, “What’s that stand for then? I asked, bracing myself.

“Separate Ethernet Output”

Result, one middle aged adult male screaming, crying and bent over double confirming to the sales assistant that I was indeed having a heart attack. By this time, Mrs LaRoc had run over and was dragging me towards the car park whilst conversing with the assistant in his native language, “Numbnuts, even I know it stands for Search Engine Optimisation” she hisses.

The trouble is, this new hobby does take its toll in the underwear department, but believe me, it is highly satisfying and well worth the extra cost. I now plan to extend this hobby in to the Doctors surgery. Coming soon, stay tuned.